i will never cease to be amazed by how chaotic our properties of energy become.
fuck, dude. and reality never stops flooring me.

happy birthday.

my hate is easier to deal with than my love this anger i project to be hate puts up this huge shield that prevents vulnerability but why live with that as a motive/defense mechanism? it is so fucking cold, dude.
but whats on the other side of that?
ISOLATION?
thats what you're using me to prevent?
do you think i don't see through this?
i want to observe your vibrations of energy but not intercept or directly connect with them.

i'm gonna burn this town.

I AM OVERWHELMED WITH THE FEELING OF BEING DOOMED

and anxious and worrying
this storm is scaring me a whole lot. there is no way i'll sleep anyway. FUCK.
i will not stand another night of not being able to sleep and waking to people in their cruelty.

but i know that after i leave central pa everything will get better. my memories will no longer force themselves to confront. i can forget about that stupid thing i did last winter. i can forget the things i don't like about myself because they're not resurfacing in my interactions.
i know how amazing its going to be but right now i'm stuck at a stand still. i can't leave this bad place. oh i'll never come back and i know i should exploit it now but shit, why bother.

i will ruin any possible good thing that has ever come into my life.
sure, i am so much more optimistic than ever before but if one more thing happens, i'll throw everything i've ever worked for down the toilet.
i can't finish anything.
i can't do anything.
i'm leaving. i destroyed something good due to this fact, now that i ponder i could have made it work. i don't want to have anything to do with anything else.
i miss gribble. i would give anything to have prevented that from happening. there were so many  people at the funeral that i wanted to punch in the face.
everything seems fucking stupid.
i hate how self-indulgent misery is. fuck.